Mr. King Crab

“Sex with an ex can be depressing.

If it’s good you can’t get it anymore.

If it’s bad, you’ve just had sex with an ex”
Sex and the City

I spent last night with Mr. King Crab. There’s my confession. I know have a tendency to go back to an ex when I find myself single and lonely. Let’s just say these men are my Achilles Heals. Yesterday after months of King Crab trying to get back into my life I finally relented. I found myself in Arizona over the holidays missing Mr. Scorpion Fish, and spending my first holiday in years alone with him. So when King Crab called on Christmas something inside of me kind of melted. But to understand why King Crab is different from all the dramatics of the other ex’s, let me first explain a little bit about him. King Crab could also be called Mr. First. He’s the first guy that I ever slept with. At (gasp) 23. We had been friends for over a year at the point. Met when we first work on a stunt show, he was a jet-skier I was a lowly wardrobe girl. And at the time I was sort of dating one of his friends. And I can tell you he’s one of the only people that I can remember exactly what happened when I met him. I was sitting outside and here walked up this guy I had never met who invited me out drinking with him that night. I of course said no, but later in the week found myself at a party with him. After talking to him for the bulk of my night he programmed his number into my phone. I just laughed. I would never call him. But over the next year we stayed friends. Hung out a lot. Partied together. Went jet-skiing. But nothing more. Until Saddle Ranch opened up at Universal. And next thing I know we were hanging out every night there, drinking lots and lots of AMF’s, dancing, laughing and before long making out on the dance floor. Now he wasn’t perfect. And we never had a conventional relationship. But he was perfect for my first time. Patient. Sweet. And more importantly waited an extra month after I was ready because he didn’t want me to regret it. He also refused to have sex while I was drunk. So one fateful morning we woke up and I finally had the sex. My first instinct was, that’s it? And then well let’s try this again. And so our relationship grew. And over the years we have gone back and forth. He was the catalyst for me sleeping with my second and third guys (Mr. Summer Flounder and Mr. Puffer Fish). We’ve fought. Yelled. He’s the one who set me up with Mr. Rio Perch. And despite all the dramatics we’ve remained friends, including the requisite calls on every holiday. So it’s really no surprise that when he made his holiday call I made plans with him. And the night was very uneventful. He came over to watch a movie. I met him at the door wearing just a bit of lingerie. And the rest you can say is sexual history. It was nice. Nothing spectacular. But that’s how Mr. King Crab and I always are. No bells and whistles. Just comfort and old friends. He will always be in my heart but will never be the one. Everyone has called him my "Mr. Big" or my soul mate- but I've always known he isn't either of those. Just someone I will always remember fondly and yes my friends are right and he will probably be at my wedding, but someone who is not destined to be the groom.