Mr. King Crab

“Sex with an ex can be depressing.

If it’s good you can’t get it anymore.

If it’s bad, you’ve just had sex with an ex”
Sex and the City

I spent last night with Mr. King Crab. There’s my confession. I know have a tendency to go back to an ex when I find myself single and lonely. Let’s just say these men are my Achilles Heals. Yesterday after months of King Crab trying to get back into my life I finally relented. I found myself in Arizona over the holidays missing Mr. Scorpion Fish, and spending my first holiday in years alone with him. So when King Crab called on Christmas something inside of me kind of melted. But to understand why King Crab is different from all the dramatics of the other ex’s, let me first explain a little bit about him. King Crab could also be called Mr. First. He’s the first guy that I ever slept with. At (gasp) 23. We had been friends for over a year at the point. Met when we first work on a stunt show, he was a jet-skier I was a lowly wardrobe girl. And at the time I was sort of dating one of his friends. And I can tell you he’s one of the only people that I can remember exactly what happened when I met him. I was sitting outside and here walked up this guy I had never met who invited me out drinking with him that night. I of course said no, but later in the week found myself at a party with him. After talking to him for the bulk of my night he programmed his number into my phone. I just laughed. I would never call him. But over the next year we stayed friends. Hung out a lot. Partied together. Went jet-skiing. But nothing more. Until Saddle Ranch opened up at Universal. And next thing I know we were hanging out every night there, drinking lots and lots of AMF’s, dancing, laughing and before long making out on the dance floor. Now he wasn’t perfect. And we never had a conventional relationship. But he was perfect for my first time. Patient. Sweet. And more importantly waited an extra month after I was ready because he didn’t want me to regret it. He also refused to have sex while I was drunk. So one fateful morning we woke up and I finally had the sex. My first instinct was, that’s it? And then well let’s try this again. And so our relationship grew. And over the years we have gone back and forth. He was the catalyst for me sleeping with my second and third guys (Mr. Summer Flounder and Mr. Puffer Fish). We’ve fought. Yelled. He’s the one who set me up with Mr. Rio Perch. And despite all the dramatics we’ve remained friends, including the requisite calls on every holiday. So it’s really no surprise that when he made his holiday call I made plans with him. And the night was very uneventful. He came over to watch a movie. I met him at the door wearing just a bit of lingerie. And the rest you can say is sexual history. It was nice. Nothing spectacular. But that’s how Mr. King Crab and I always are. No bells and whistles. Just comfort and old friends. He will always be in my heart but will never be the one. Everyone has called him my "Mr. Big" or my soul mate- but I've always known he isn't either of those. Just someone I will always remember fondly and yes my friends are right and he will probably be at my wedding, but someone who is not destined to be the groom.

Gidget does Christmas

“Surfing is like making love. It always feels good,
No matter how many times you’ve done it”
Paul Strand

People ask me all the time why I love California so much. And you only have to look at a day like today to understand why. 80 degrees at the beach with a perfect swell coming in, 10-15 foot waves breaking perfectly. Now that might seem like a great summer day to you, but it in fact is a fantastic winter dream! It’s 33 in New York, 21 in Chicago and currently 79 in Malibu. This is why I live in California. Anywhere else I would be bundled up in my winter warmest looking like Ralphie from A Christmas Story and instead I am taking out the Bikini and getting some sun.It’s 4 days till Christmas and instead of making a snowman I’m planning to head out of work early (gotta love those Hiatus weeks), grab my board, my wetsuit and my new man and heading up to County Line to enjoy the waves. Looks like Santa is bringing me just what I want for Christmas- Some warm weather, some breathtaking waves, and Mr. Rio Perch. What more could I ask for? I may not have the feelings for Mr. Rio Perch like I did for Mr. Scorpion I wonder if I ever will. Or if I will ever get over this feeling of emptiness that I seem to have since he left. But for now I’m enjoying uncomplicated. And a little uncomplicated and fun is just what I need right now. Looks like this is shaping up to be one hell of a winter break…

The end of another romance

“There are plenty of good ways to break up with someoneand it doesn't include a Post-It.”
Sex and the City

Carrie Bradshaw might have gotten a post-it, but all I got was a text message. Which actually was fitting since Mr. Scorpion and I spent more time text messaging than we did in person. I’m not surprised it happened. I knew it was never going to work out. He lived a state away and neither of us wanted anything long distance. I always knew he would start to see someone else, after all he starting seeing me when he had a girlfriend. I always knew it was casual. I even spent Saturday night getting to know Mr. Rio Perch a little better. But surprisingly it still hurt. I always thought that if he and I ever got our shit together at the same time we would work out. Turns out we both were ready for a relationship at the same time, the only problem was I was ready for one with him and he was ready for one with someone else. We always did have bad timing.As I sat in the Phoenix airport drowning my sorrows (and a few tears) in my beer I started to think about the men in my life. The one’s I’ve thrown away, the ones that have thrown me away, and those few that have stuck with me through all of them. I’ve met some amazing guys, and some not so amazing guys, but I’ve never met Mr. Right. I’ve meet Mr. Right now but the actual Mr. Right has alluded me. Normally a break-up would have me giving up hope that my true soul mate is out there, but I spent the weekend with two couples that showed me what it really means to be in love, my parents and my grandparents. I flew out to Ohio over the weekend to spend time with my family and to be there while my grandmother had surgery. It wasn’t a major surgery, but she’s been in bad health so any surgery turns into a major operation.

My grandfather refused to eat while my grandmother was in surgery. Even after she was in recovery he wouldn’t eat until she woke up. We sat there from 6 in the morning until she woke up at 2 that afternoon. Everyone coming and going to pass the time. But he wouldn’t budge. And you should have seen his face when she finally woke up. It was an expression of true love that I’ve never seen. And as soon as he got to her side, she grabbed him around the neck, pulled him towards her, and gave him a romantic only seen in the movies kiss. After 60 years they are just falling more and more in love with each other every day. And while she slept he just sat there staring at her face. One hand holding hers and the other rubbing her hair. The rest of us read, and talked, and watched TV. But he would just sit there and watch her. Her guardian angel.That night I watched my parents leave the hospital holding hands. After 40 years they can’t go more than a few minutes without touching each other. Last weekend they had to sleep on couches since there weren’t enough beds for everyone. But they refused to sleep on separate couches. Instead they even slept head to foot on the couch so they can fit. I asked my mom, why not sleep apart. She responded, we don’t sleep apart. It’s amazing that after all those years they still crave each other’s touch.After spending time with them I realized soul mates really do exist. Sometimes you find your soul mate when you are in kindergarten, sometimes you find them right next door, and sometimes they find you when you least expect it.

Ooops...

“I’m at home alone and as hard as a rock just thinking about you…”
-From Mr. Scorpion Fish

When did we start to be reachable 24-7? When did we need to be able to check our e-mail while we were at work, in the car, at a bar, even surfing? When did even a phone call became too much and we started to rely on text messaging as our only means of communication?

Now I am the queen of being lazy. I have my cell phone attached to me at all times. I check my e-mail every 15 minutes. I text message more than I call people most days. Although I don’t know if it is so much about being lazy as having to multitask. We can now check our messages while out grocery shopping. Return calls while walking the dog. I even was able to have text-sex this week while at a run-thru. It’s a matter of trying to pack as much you can into your day.

But this week I learned my lesson. From now on if I need to talk to someone I will be doing it face to face without the hindrance of technology. While texting back and forth with a friend, the person I was talking about somehow got the text. I found this out when Scorpion Fish sent me a text me back: “So why aren’t we having sex for Christmas”! Now it could have been worse. It could have gone to my father or an ex, but it still put me in an awkward position. Not only did I have to explain what I was talking about, but I also had to explain why I was talking to his cousin about our sex life. All in all, not the best situation.

So learn from my mistake. Talk to your friends face to face. Take them out for coffee or a beer and really catch up. Don’t rely on messages sent by your phone or your computer. Don’t send out that mass e-mail. Catch up with the friends you haven’t seen in person. You will actually be able to find out what is new with them instead of just informing them the quick version of your life. And if you have to use the phone to talk to them, do it when you have time to really chat. Don’t do it from your car, or your office, or just before you head into the gym. Take an hour and really see what they’ve been up to. Trust me, you have more time than you think you do. Stop making excuses. Call them. See them. And if you do you might be surprised with the results you get.

Perfect.

We all have those nights that stick out in our minds as being perfect. Maybe they truly weren't perfect, but we believed them to be. Last night with Scorpion Fish was one of those nights for me. It's hard to pinpoint what makes a date perfect. He insisted on coming in to talk to my parents- even though he's deathly afraid of my dad. Scored one from my mom on that one! He opened all the doors for me- I'm a total modern woman but sometimes it's nice to get the car door opened and the tab paid for (he did that one too!). We had some laughs over drinks. A kiss or two at the bar. A slow dance (which I didn't have to force or even ask him to do!) That move scored major points from me. And we headed back to my place for a little necking. And he left just before my mom did a little bed check! I know that none of these things are that amazing or unique but all together they became amazing and unique to me. Maybe it could be perfect in my mind because I was able to get back on the plane this morning and head home. After all nothing gets messy when you live thousands of miles apart. I don't have to worry about the will he call me the next day- though if you are wondering yes he did! I don't have to worry about where this is all going because it's impossible to have a long distance relationship when neither people would ever be living in the same state! Though that doesn't stop me from wanting one! But some things are better left undone. Now we can't have a messy break up. We can't hate each other. We will never have to see each other with someone else. And we can remain friends with amazing chemistry. After all hasn't that been what we've been to each other for the last few years anyways. But for me it's nice to just know that my perfect date is just a phone call or a short flight away.

Mr. Scorpion Fish

For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.
GRAY’S ANATOMY

I’m usually one for jumping into bed first and asking questions later. The whole principle of, if he is going to really want to date me than sleeping together is not going to change that. That being said you might be surprised that there is someone who I have waited for. In fact we waited exactly 2 years and 1 day to sleep together, not that I’m counting or anything. Let me just say that it was well worth the wait. But now I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back two years…

Mr. Scorpion Fish and I had been hearing about each other for years. And had it pounded into our heads that we were perfect for each other. Of course I was extremely doubtful. After all I had been told I was perfect for many guys and only ended up going on some of the worst dates of my life. So two years ago when he came to Thanksgiving I was in a relationship and he was living with his girlfriend so luckily it wasn’t a set up. But have you ever met someone that you just sparked with?! It’s hard to explain, but sometimes you met someone who you just click with, someone who makes forever seem possible. We both were dating other people, so we had a fantastic weekend of flirtation and that was it. Of course as soon as he was single he called, though of course I wasn’t. And then I was single and he wasn’t. And so we went on. Always having bad timing, but a love affair began none the less.

Which leads me to last year’s thanksgiving. Now last year I was going through the first (of many) break-ups with Puffer-fish and wasn’t thinking straight. And Scorpion Fish was back together with his girlfriend. But the moment he walked into the room I knew we were in trouble. We both knew it. Instead of that spark going away it had multiplied and was crackling between us. After way too many shots we kissed. And kissed. And kissed. But that’s it. Seeing as we live in different states that should have been the end of it. But it wasn’t. And over the last year we have seen each other a handful of times, spent endless sleepless nights on the phone, texted each other gazillions of times but every time we went out it’s been bad timing and we haven’t had sex. He eventually did break up with the girlfriend but things always got in the way and somehow I had become the "everything but" girl.

And then last night happened. We finally had the sex. Usually when you wait for something for so long it’s a complete disaster. But this time it wasn’t. The sexual tension added to that amazing chemistry and made the night fan-fucking-tastic. Now I don’t know what’s going to happen. He lives in Phoenix. And I live in Los Angeles. But what I do know is that we will both have one night of perfect sex to remember when we are old. And right now I think that’s enough.

SERIOUSLY?!

“Why don’t we get drunk and screw…”
Jimmy Buffet

What’s the deal with pick up lines? After a weekend of bar hopping and watching Monday night football with my girls, I just can’t take it anymore. I know I complain when I go to a bar and NO guy hits on me, but sometimes the lines I get are a little too much to handle. So that being said, here are my FIVE favorites from the week:

5) Has anybody ever told you that you look like a Minnie Driver
Since I get that at least once a week and HATE it, try something a little more original next time because as soon as I hear: “Has anyone ever told you who you look like” I start to cringe a little. To the extent that even Mr. Puffer-fish called this week to tell me he finally remembered who I reminded him off. After dating on and off for a year, it’s only now that he thinks I look like someone. But hey at least he didn’t say this while we were having sex, just as a precursor to wanting to have sex. Don’t know if it was to have sex with me or to pretend it was Minnie Driver, either way he got a thanks but no thanks.

4) Hey do you have a boyfriend… do you want on?
I actually got that one on set Friday night. The answer would be NO!!!! As in no I don’t want YOU!

3) Hey you’ve got some sexy legs…
That one was actually YELLED at me while I was walking the Warner Brothers lot. Clue to all men out there NO GIRL WANTS TO BE YELLED AT WHILE SHE IS WALKING UNLESS SHE ACTUALLY IS A HOOKER!!!!

2) Wow, you have the most amazing smile!
Well I will be sure to pass that along to the orthodontist that my parents paid an arm and a leg to in grade school so that I would get this AMAZING smile.

1) Do you want me to talk dirty to you?
My personal favorite!

Well I know it’s not fair that I am bagging on guys and their lines because a lot of times they work. And even the ones that don’t I have to say you have given me a good laugh. So to be fair I will share with you one that did work recently. I met a guy in surfing down in Baja a couple of months ago. We were all staying in this little surf village and the only bar in town was this little dive that featured Karaoke on the weekends. After riding a few waves together and chit chatting in the water we arranged to meet there that night. Later that night after a few drinks and us talking for awhile he got up to sing a karaoke song and sang it right at me. And as much as I am drawn to looks first I am a sucker for someone who can make me laugh- His song was “Why don’t we get drunk and screw”… Moral of the story, cut with all the stupid chitchat, a good “let’s screw” will work every time. And that is how I met Mr. Summer Flounder this summer. And boy did that “screw” work!

Mr. Solefish

“Some people say, ‘Never kiss a friend because that friend will be lost forever.’
But what if that one person you are looking for is that friend you’ve never kissed?”

There always is that one person for everyone, that one guy/girl that you always look back upon and say what if. I saw mine last night. Mr. Solefish The guy I had once thought was “the one”. He’s still that one person that makes me flustered. That one person that turns me back into that insecure teenage girl waiting to be asked to the homecoming dance. Last spring I was going through a hard time- my mother had just been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I was switching onto a new film and had just found out that my driver’s license was suspended due to an unpaid Seat Belt Ticket. Mr. Solefish took me out one fateful Thursday night to Saddle Ranch to help me forget all my problems, only turns out he gave me another problem to fret about. After a lot of AMF’s, some music and too much dancing we ended up back at his apartment. Now I say it was him that made the first move, and although it was, he says it was the way I was dancing at Saddle Ranch that made me make it. Not that it really matters how it happened, but what happened was I ended up having sex with one of my best friends. Someone I still work with. Someone who’s on and off girlfriend I’ve known for years. But the hardest part, was that the next morning I wanted to call up my best friend to tell him what happened and have him tell me it was all going to be all right, and since I had just slept with him I couldn’t. Now it has taken us months to get back on friendly terms, and last night was the first time we really had hung out alone since.

And a lot had happened over the last couple of months. We both have gone through many relationships, many jobs, many different paths in our life. At one time I thought of him as my soul mate, but looking at him last night I knew I couldn’t still. But what really is a soul mate? Do we have just one? Or are there many along the way? Maybe the idea of a soul mate is that they are the other part of you at that time. Since we all change year to year and month to month, maybe our soul mates also change with us and, like in this case, away from us. The time apart from him might not have changed the flutter I get when I see him, but it definitely changed the spark between us. Once there was this amazing chemistry that radiated around us. Now? Just a low hum of old friends meeting once again after a long time apart. No longer lovers. No longer good friends. Maybe no longer Soul Mates. But instead of that being a depressing thought, it’s actually kind of exciting. Since he is obviously not “the one” that means I still have my Mr. Soul Mate out there to meet! And until then I am going to continue on my fun little way. Like last night. After a few bars and a Brazilian party I didn’t meet a new Mr. Soul Mate. But I did get to meet Mr. Rio Perch, who reminded me how much fun you can have just kissing someone. And to me that might be even better than finding “the one”

Hardt in the City

“Think about it. If you are single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you. ... Hallmark doesn't make a ‘congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy’ card. And where's the flatware for going on vacation alone?”
Sex and the City

I have been thinking about my singleness lately- all the good things, the bad, the questions, the what ifs, the whys and the might have beens. Here’s what I’ve discovered:

I’m a hopeless romantic- even though I try and convince everyone I’m not. I’ve fallen in love only 2 times in my life but I’ve had my heart broken by 3. I love taking a nap with someone on Sunday afternoons. I work on the top rated Sitcom but can’t wait to move into Environmental Documentaries. I love sex and am not ashamed to admit it. I’ve been vegan, vegetarian, carnivore, carb-free, carb-adict, you name it and I’ve tried it. Right now I just am me. I think walks in the moonlight are the best. Even though I know that he’s just not that into you if he isn’t calling I still will call him. I have 3 ex’s that call at least once a month. I love skinny-dipping. When I get nervous I become very bitchy and judgmental, which is why I’m a HORRIBLE first date. I’ve been set up on blind dates by all my friends and they have all been disasters. I’m still friends with the first guy I ever slept with. Though the last guy I slept with ended up blowing me off after only one date. I've planned every detail of my wedding even though I don’t know if I want to get married. I’m friends with everyone I’ve ever dated except one. I hate anyone being mad at me so I will always call and apologize even if they were in the wrong. I’m horrible with the morning after. I can’t sleep with someone in the bed with me but miss them once they are gone. I’ve only met one guy in a bar- and it was actually at the door to the bar. I don’t adhere to the 3 day calling rule or the 3 dates before sleeping with them rule! I don’t believe in Nice Guys, but still hope they are out there! I cry at happy endings. I waited until I was 23 to have sex for the first time. I believe in Soul Mates. I love cheesy horror movies. I’m the most insecure person you will ever meet. I love thunderstorms. I change my mind all the time. I’ve never received flowers from a boyfriend. I redecorate my bedroom every time I break up with someone. I wish on stars. I hate people not returning phone calls so no matter how mad I am with someone I will always call them back. I always second-guess myself. I’ve goggled everyone I’ve ever dated. I’m the queen of Drunk Dialing. I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned. I’m actually really shy which I try to disguise by being loud and outgoing. If you date me you will end up in one of my blogs. I don’t believe in secrets. My mom is my best friend. I love to dance but am horrible at it. I secretly wish I was a singer. I can’t wait to turn 30. And I will probably spend the rest of my life waiting for that Lloyd Dobbler moment- to see him standing outside of my window with a boom box over his head...